Marriage is Hard

I originally wrote this article for Wives of Faith, a ministry for military spouses. When Teri Lynne invited me to guest blog for her, she suggested this piece. So after a bit of tweaking, I offer for you a few thoughts about marriage.

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Well, it happened again.

Another couple separates. I am shocked, and saddened, and my heart grieves. And once again, I feel blindsided by the “how could I not see it coming?” question. Then I realize: she didn’t even see it coming on their 20th anniversary. So how could I, really?

Out of the handful of divorces I’ve stood alongside in the past couple of years, this is the first military one. What makes it hurt more is not so much that they are a military family, but that they are Christians.

Often as military spouses, we might think that we have it harder than the rest of the world. The civilian world has no idea what we endure, what we go through for their freedom, and maybe they don’t. But are our marriages harder? Are our divorces worse and more tragic?

The same might be said for ministry spouses. How could any couple in the ministry decide to divorce? Well, I can speak for this viewpoint as well. No one but another pastor’s wife can even begin to understand what it’s like to share her husband with a few dozen—or hundred—or thousand—people.

What it boils down to is this:

MARRIAGE IS HARD SOMETIMES. AND IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.

Does it really matter why? If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know marriage can be hard. It can hurt. It can also be wonderful, and fun, and nearly effortless.

Sometimes our faults and foibles and difficulties are magnified through the lens of the military. Lack of communication when you live in the same house as your husband sure doesn’t get any better when he’s halfway around the world, does it? We can play martyr when he’s vegging on the couch just as easily as we can when he’s in the sandbox. He can be the strong silent type anywhere. Because we’re ourselves. It’s like the old saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

At the same time, we can learn to make the best of a situation and turn it around to our advantage. Find ways to connect, to be a team, whether we’re ten feet or five thousand miles apart.

The same might be said of any couple. We need each other. We need to learn to communicate, to connect, and we need to make time to do it, in spite of the church’s calendar, his job’s demands, and our own feelings.

So what does all of this look like? Well, I’m still learning. I was 32 when my parents split up after 35 years of marriage. Up until the moment I heard the words from my mother over the phone, I believed my parents’ marriage to be the ideal. The one to emulate.

What I have learned is this: We should never take anything for granted. Ever. That includes our husband and our marriage, the relationship that mirrors Christ’s love for the Church.

If you find yourself in need of some help in your marriage, let me encourage you to seek counseling. Check with your pastoral staff at church to see if one of the pastors would be willing to counsel you or offer a suggestion for a Christian counselor in your community. If you’re a military wife, there are resources available as close as the chaplain for your post or base, or as anonymous as Military One Source.

Don’t try to fix it alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This is your marriage. Fight for it with everything you’ve got.

Pattie married a pastor and now finds herself the wife of a military chaplain! She lives with her Chaplain Hubby, is raising two girls, is owned by two dogs, and writes from the chilly prairie state of North Dakota. You can find her blogging about books and writing at Fresh-Brewed Writer and about military stuff at Wives of Faith.