Tests don’t bother me. I’m a student at heart … I love studying, taking notes, reviewing what I’ve read … and even reading the extra reading material. (Skip the nerdy comments, I already know.)
But there is a test that I desperately want to pass … the thought test. This test is administered by God Himself, often at my own request.
In the second half of Psalm 139:23, David writes, “Test me and know my anxious thoughts.”
That cuts me deep … every. single. time. For I am the queen of anxious thoughts.
Long ago I memorized Philippians 4:6 which tells me, “Do not be anxious about anything” and 1 Peter 5:7 which reminds me, “Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you.”
But I am an anxious thinker. So much so, that over the past month I have been physically ill partially due to my inability to let things go.
I just re-read that last sentence and I need to confess that I lied … It is not that I have an inability to let things go, I have an unwillingness to let things go. My need to control has, on more than one occasion, left me utterly helpless.
You would think I’d have learned my lesson … but sadly, this seems to be a recurring theme in my life. Unfortunately, this is more than just being “Type A” … more than a desire to be organized and efficient … that word “test”, it’s a toughie in the Hebrew.
“Bahan” is the transliteration. To try, prove, test, examine, search out, purify, look out, watch. Used primarily in Job, Psalms and Jeremiah, this term is used primarily in a spiritual sense, and denotes an investigation to determine the essential character of a person, especially integrity.
Do you see why that hurts me so much? This test isn’t about how much I know … it’s about who I am. My anxious thoughts betray me … they reveal the lack of faith I have far more often than anyone realizes. My anxious thoughts reveal the fear that at times controls me. My anxious thoughts reveal the ways I choose MY will instead of HIS.
But I’m learning … I know this is a test I will retake time and again … my fervent prayer is that I will learn to rest in the steadfast character of God … and that as I do, He will change my character to be like His.
How do you sense God testing your thoughts?
Photo by Dave Bleasedal
Thank you Teri Lynne. I love where you admitted to lying, because it's so true. Using the right words helps us see our responsibility in it. Is it a sin to worry? These verses tell us not to. If we truly trusted God there would be no need to.
You have done it again! I know you are hearing from the Lord, because you hit me right where I need it so many times. This is exactly what God has been dealing with me about over the past few weeks!
So right now, I'm committing to pray for you (and you, too, Brooke), now that I know you are struggling with the same thing. Will you pray for me too?
And I can't say a think about the nerdiness. I used to love tests too. Something about the challenge of it was kind of thrilling. And I'm all about the extra reading material too! 🙂
Um, honestly, yes. Many "unknowns" are heavy on my heart. Mostly relating to my children. But I appreciate your honesty and it has challenged me. We have a street a few down from us called Bahan. When I drive by it now, I will be reminded to cast those heavy cares on Him…the author and perfecter of my faith. Heb. 12:2
This post was so hard to write … but now I feel so much better knowing I am not alone in my struggle. Thank you, my friends, for your honesty … and prayers. And, Stephanie, that is a great prayer reminder. 🙂
You are most definitely not alone. Thank you for your honestly and for being so real – we love you for it.
We're all on the journey of sanctification together. 🙂
This is so beautiful and so true. I read it out loud to my husband today. We've been going through some painful days lately and this is just what we needed today.
Thank you as always for your transparency. This post is challenging and encouraging at the same time!
I too, am the queen of anxious thoughts. It's something I struggle with constantly…and many times the anxious thoughts will interrupt an otherwise wonderful day…trying to ruin it. It's then that I have to look to God to provide solace…and to know that I'm still a "work in progress", and will change when I'm willing to let Him do what needs to be done.
I too, am the queen of anxious thoughts. It's something I struggle with constantly…and many times the anxious thoughts will interrupt an otherwise wonderful day…trying to ruin it. It's then that I have to look to God to provide solace…and to know that I'm still a "work in progress", and will change when I'm willing to let Him do what needs to be done.